"I know this transformation is painful, but you're not falling apart; you're just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful." -W.C Hannan
~
I was always the class clown in the room, the rebel of the group, the black sheep of the family and the list goes on... As soon as I entered my teenage years I was already in my wildest, most rebellious and confused state. (I guess my rebellious side still shows in my personal style lol). Being lost and alone with my depression was not doing me any good. I hid all my sorrows and pain from my friends and family by covering it up with my crazy, funny, happy front. I know its pretty normal for teenagers to feel 'confused' or 'misunderstood' but at that moment I was literally miserable, and the worse part was that nobody knew. I was alone. Though I had friends and lovers along the way I was never truly happy, just enjoying the ride. I started to have bad vices at a young age and became very unhealthy. I couldn't last a day being sober. I was alcoholic and couldn't function well without it.
I needed saving... 2 and a half years ago. How did I get over that phase? Read on... :)
I needed saving... 2 and a half years ago. How did I get over that phase? Read on... :)
The realization: I got sick. Physically and emotionally sick. My body couldn't handle the kind of life I was living for a long time. I was tired. My mind was telling me to grow up, have some balls and move the eff on. My lifestyle wasn't making me happy, even temporarily happy, anymore. This was the very moment I knew in my heart that I want out. I want something better. I can be someone better.
The breakup: I broke up with my bad habits. Breaking up with it included getting rid of all the people who did the same things as me. I stopped seeing friends who didn't do any good in my life. This part is the hardest because you are leaving behind the only lifestyle you knew and all the people in it. I needed to leave the people who didn't want to grow up... Best decision ever.
Alone time: In my desperate attempt for a new and meaningful life, I hid from the world. I didn't go out for months and left social media frenzy for awhile. I meditated, got to know myself and built my relationship with God once again. Without Him, i am nothing. I only spoke to very few people at this time and started serving the community. It was a rehabilitation or retreat for a broken soul. I will always remember these desperate times and be thankful for a second chance at fixing my life.
Letting go: You're only overlooked, rejected and ignored by the people who are not meant to be in your life. Let go in peace, look ahead in gratitude. We must remind ourselves of our worth. We are all gifted with intuition for a reason- for protection. Trust your guts.
Second chapter: I cannot believe how much I've grown now. Truly I wouldn't have done it by myself. A lot of people to thank from for always praying and supporting me. Right now I am still in constant battle between good and bad, and everyday I still struggle. I will never be perfect but the wisdom that I've learned from all the bad things that happened in my life will be my reminder that we all have a choice. We can either stay in misery (aka keep on doing things you know is bad for you, stay with lovers that keeps cheating on you etc) or man up and change your life. Its all up to you.
New life: This guy plays a huge part of my lifestyle change. Even though I was already on my way to sobriety, some bad habits die hard and this guy literally just killed it. He brought out the best in me since day 1. He helped me get over the demons I've been battling for years. Most of all he believed in me and my talent. Now, not a lot of people believed in what I can do because I was always just this loud girl who can draw and sew, but he saw me differently. He showed me the potential i already had in me and for that I'll always be grateful. Its insane too, how we share so much things in common. Whatever did i do to deserve him i will never know... <3
I strongly believe that if your partner does not help you grow and bloom to your finest self- its time to question both your intentions. The people you surround yourself with, especially the ones you see all the time, really affects your energy. Make sure you are with the right crowd, you will definitely see the difference once you weed out your circle. Never be afraid to block toxic people that can cause you from backsliding to your old life.
This retrograde has been intense to say the least for us all. Just stay strong. Whatever you are feeling and going through right now is happening to allow more blessings, more positivity and even more light to come in your life. Allow yourself to go through the changes that awaits you. Transition is hard and intimidating but all these challenges in front of you are reminders of open doors, new beginnings and the beauty of the unknown. Screw fear. Screw backing down. Be your own hero and save yourself. And always remember, its never too late. :)
Love, E.
IG & Twitter @evaaguspina
